B is for ... (Part 2)

So this A-Z thing hasn't been going particularly well considering I started on A almost three months ago. Me, slack? You got it in one.

[B] is for Belinda

So after covering Angelina in [A] I have to continue to make mention of my other perv's in life. Although she's looking a little bit fake and plastic in the last couple of years (hell, she's 50 this year), for a very long time Belinda Carlisle was, in my opinion, the most gorgeous thing to walk the earth. She was all real, had great eyes, perfect cheekbones, fantastic flame-red hair and a rather sultry voice.

While the poppy, made-for-radio tunes were what made her money it was quite often the tracks that were not released as singles that were far better. Her brand of pop, like that of the Stock-Aitken-Waterman factory, disappeared during the grunge period. The artists had to reinvent themselves, as Kylie did with success, or disappear into the woodwork. Like Belinda. In reality she took a break to raise her son and move to rural France. Her most recent album is all in French and I didn't think much of it. I still prefer to think back the late 80's and early 90's when she looked hot and sounded fantastic.

[B] is for Blues

I grew up hearing a lot of guitar music at home, mostly stuff influenced by blues such as Eric Clapton. I followed my brothers lead and got myself into the rock/metal scene from about the age of 13 and developed a love for the sounds of a blues guitar after I heard some Jeff Healey and Stevie Ray Vaughan tracks. While metal doesn't leave much to the imagination (guitar is power, guitar is evil, guitar is LOUD!), blues music defines emotions. When it's a great musician you can feel the emotion in every note played. The guitar player becomes one with their guitar and their song. Anyway, rather than go on about it, I dug out this email I received about ten years ago that tells you all you need to know about the Blues:

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: violet, beige, mauve.

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues: the highway, the jailhouse, the empty bed

11. Bad places: Ashrams, Gallery openings, weekend in the Hamptons

12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

13. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind. c. you shot a man in Memphis. d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf.
c. you have a trust fund.

14. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:

a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

17. Some Blues names for Women

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

18. Some Blues Names for Men

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

19. Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)

a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)